Frank the diary of Princess Leia: Carrie Fisher loved Harrison Ford

Откровенный дневник принцессы Леи: Как Керри Фишер любила Гаррисона Форда

Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford. Scene from the movie Star wars

The original on the website of The Guardian

Probably the strangest thing is that Carrie Fisher for so long, this is not confessed. Known for her candor the actress and author of the memoirs to many questions about whether in real life, the novel, reminiscent of Princess Leia’s relationship with Han Solo, always gave a clear negative answer. She was a teenager, Harrison Ford is 14 years older, they were completely different people, well that’s a stupid idea.

Now she has written a book called “the Princess keeps a diary” in which remembered the diary, which led at the time, and told about a stormy affair with Ford. The diaries and accompanying poems represent the hard reading. In them appears the 19-year-old girl, full of hatred and uncertainty about the future has already been treated but still have not received the diagnosis of “bipolar disorder” and trying to show himself as a wise woman. She whole-heartedly fell in love with Ford, who was happy to sleep with her, but hardly ever experienced the same feelings in response.

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Fisher wrote about himself with almost painful honesty (particularly in “Postcards from the edge”, a fictionalized story about their experiences overdose). Why it took so long to tell about the affair? For several reasons, she said to me during a conversation on the phone from Los Angeles hoarse from bronchitis voice (interview in London was canceled due to her illness). The most important reason was the discovery of the journals lay in a box under the floorboards. She found them during repairs in the house. “I haven’t seen them for 40 years. During all this time, I actually forgot about them. And I thought that they were wonderful archaeological find”.

Enough time has passed to tell this story, she said. “It was not only my secret,” she said, Recalling that during their affair Harrison Ford was married to Mary Marquardt. Soon after, he divorced and married Melissa Mathison, the author of the script of the movie “Alien” and a close friend of Fischer, who died last year. She never talked about her relationship with Ford out of respect for Mathison? “No, not at all. Melissa didn’t think it was anything serious. But then she was not his wife.”

If she does it for money? Fisher laughed. “There’s not a lot of money. We were pre-contracted. No one promised me a million dollars for disclosing some secrets. I was just wondering if I have enough courage to do it.”

Rereading their diaries, Fisher was struck by their former passion. This allowed her to write about myself like she never did before — without a glaze in the form of irony and wit, but straight from the heart. The daughter of Billy Fischer Lourdes, who read the text along with it for audio books, said that “it was something incredibly emotional. Not only she, but nobody else has seen this. This is the most personal of all my writings”.

In her diaries she often asked herself, did Ford about her feelings. She believes today? “I don’t think he still knew about the intensity of my feelings.” She herself seems that for many years she tried to bury those feelings. “Even in the diary I don’t like to admit it because it was a failure.” She stopped and began again: “No, not bad, and unrequited love”. She again interrupted: “And this, I suppose, a kind of failure”.

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I asked her what she thinks about the book Ford, now married to actress Calista Flockhart. She said she doesn’t know. “I told him that I write a book and let him read the manuscript, and that if he doesn’t like it, I’ll remove it. He seemed surprised. Then I called him and said I would send the book to you. I did just that. He didn’t say anything”.

She knows that he is unlikely to thank her for what she has betrayed the story. Ford is as silent as she is talkative, who is as secretive as it is open. “I don’t think he would like to publish something about your life, says Fisher, and so he lives. I wouldn’t want to say anything that would cause him great inconvenience. He’s embarrassed because of all personal.”

An affair with Ford took her by surprise. “I was shocked that I liked him. I was insecure girl, I had only one boyfriend.” She writes that he was fascinated by her when she was tipsy, and asked himself, did he use the situation. What does she think now? “No, no. Nothing like that happened”. In fact, he could not see how innocent she was, as Fisher has carefully formed a completely opposite image. “He thought I was very confident, experienced girl. I don’t think he understood at once how things are going! And when he did, he acted accordingly, although he was not obliged to do this.”

Откровенный дневник принцессы Леи: Как Керри Фишер любила Гаррисона Форда

Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford on the set of Star wars

How? “He’s mellowed out a bit, you know how Harrison can ever soften. And we stayed together until the end of the film. Nothing greater could not be. I didn’t think it would be at least that much.”

Although during filming, she first thought of Ford, his list of priorities she has occupied 15-e a place, says Fisher. Sometimes that’s through desperation. “I don’t want to get a life. It can continue without my participation”. If she thought about suicide? “No such inclinations I have never had. I was just extremely insecure, especially in relationships with men.”

Yes, she says, in the diaries a lot of pain, but it’s kind of adolescent uncertainty about the future, and partly a reflection of the state of her mental health. “Perhaps this is partly due to bipolar disorder, although the diagnosis I had not yet set. I went to psychotherapy for 15 years. I then thought that with me something not so. The doctor asked why I came, and I said that I wanted to stop crying so much.”

Looking back, she says she realized that Ford did not love her, and it aggravated the situation. “Of course, I did not think of themselves better.” Another pause. “Although sometimes thought.” Why? “Because he chose me.”

Even now she had mixed feelings about that time. “I would never want to go through that again. I was so obsessed, confused of myself, confused”. Was it one of the most violent and powerful experiences of her life? “I think so, because everything was exciting and new. We are all famous then, but needed to focus on other things, and (the novel) was a dangerous distraction. Maybe that’s why glory is not too overwhelming, as I wasn’t thinking”.

Whether Harrison Ford is good in bed so far as it was possible to expect from him? Fisher coughed in mock amazement. “Come on, this question I can not answer! I was completely blinded by it. Look at him. Look at pictures of him. You can imagine what I thought based on what opinion I had of myself?” What she feels, reminiscing about his youth? “I’m sorry for me, and I do not like at any age”. She says she is glad to 60 years to feel more confident.

I asked, did the affair with Ford on its future relations. “Terrible, Yes.” How? “Then I met with Paul, and Paul is not too different from him.” Fisher six years met with Paul Simon, the 11 months they were married, and after divorce again met. “Paul was more talkative. But again there was something strange. He was just as older than me. I was 21 years old, and the Floor 36. They were both abstruse and serious. And they were both witty, the complete opposite of funny. Fun is a kind of supplication. Wit is a clever expression. Both of them were like that. And both became better after drinking a couple of glasses of beer.” Fisher says in a relationship with Simon was one important difference. “This time it was mutual, much to my relief.”

It struck me that, according to Fisher, Ford, they never discussed their relationship, either then or later. “He was taciturn, dryly, she said. — Wasn’t Mr. Fun.” But what happened when they met again on the set of the following films — “Empire strikes back” and “return of the Jedi”? Nothing, she answered, it was just their secret. “I think everything is resolved. In our body language you can see that we are comfortable with each other”.

Откровенный дневник принцессы Леи: Как Керри Фишер любила Гаррисона Форда

Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford. Episode of the seventh episode the force awakens

Last year they met again on the set for the first time in 30 years, and appeared together in the film “Star wars: the force awakening”. Surely they would have to talk about everything? “No, she said. — During the shoot I noticed that two with a great age difference, as we had, flirting with each other. I told him about it. He replied (Fisher says in a low voice with a straight face): “I Hope they’ll be okay.” I think we first thought about it.” He winked? “No, he’s not one of those winks”.

Over the years we have established strong friendship, she thinks. She recently told Mark Chemello (Mark Hamill), who played Luke Skywalker, about her affair with Harrison Ford. How did he react? “He was shocked”. If she loves Ford now? “Yes, I love it. I always felt something for him. Mark I do too, but as a brother. You can’t pretend something without it kind of became true.”

For a long time she had ambivalent feelings towards the film series “Star wars.” Yes, they brought her fame, but at the same time and put a certain stigma — it is for many people, will forever be the only Princess Leia. Now she just feels gratitude. “It was a Grand event in my life. This motor pulls all the rest”.

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As to its current not-too-personal life, she lives with a dog named Gary Fisher (which has its own Twitter), not married, thinking about moving to the UK (especially after the victory of trump) and more than ready for another man. “I want to find a British Professor who can sustain me so that you how to talk. With a good sense of humor, intelligent, not terribly ugly, confident, but not arrogant.”

I asked if she would feel awkward the next time Ford. “Yes, I would be embarrassed”, she replied. How long? “Not for long. I think it’s worth it to blush a couple of times” she replied with a laugh.

I told her that during an interview imagine the scene from “Empire strikes back” when Princess Leia confessed his feelings for Han Solo. “I love you,” she said. “I know,” he replied. I said it seems very vital. “Yes, — she said. — I think it has to do with our relationship. I’m not just saying “I Love you”, and he responds. He ad-libbed a little”.

“Part of me felt like I won the husband lottery.” Exclusive excerpt from the new memoir, Carrie Fisher

I started acting in “Star wars” in hopes to have an affair. I was hoping to find people wiser and with a bad reputation, those of whom you would think that he was living with Anjelica Huston in Switzerland in a boarding school and learned four languages.

Simon Templeman, an Englishman, with whom I went to acting school, was my only boyfriend, and we dated a year before sleeping together. This, as well as some tomfoolery with three guys and kisses with the three gays were all of my sexual experience.

It’s hard to imagine childhood is less condusive to adultery than mine. My parents were the darlings of America. A lovely couple with two adorable kids (my brother Todd is younger than me by 16 months) seemed the epitome of the American dream, until Eddie left Debbie for Elizabeth Taylor, recently widowed friend of my mother.

My first big lesson was related to the fact, what it is to be unsuspecting part of adultery. So, dreaming about the novel on the set of married men I’ve eliminated. First time I met Harrison Ford, I thought at first that there is nothing romantic between us will not. He was very old for me — almost 15 years older! In addition, it was something threatening. In a calm state he had a frown. He seemed still, you look him or not, and you eagerly looked at his indifferent face. I remember thinking that he would be the star, not just a celebrity, a movie star. He was of the same type that Humphrey Bogart. It was enveloped in a halo of energy, and it was not my level. Compared to him I did not have any level. We were designed for different. If I worried over this? Not too much, as you will see.

Before twenty years remained one year, after my novel, the College passed a few weeks, and I first starred in the movie. I was extremely confident. Oh, I could be witty as the devil himself, but I had no idea how I should apply my mind. I was smart, but not smart, and left high school to sing in the chorus in a Broadway show with my mom.

Next to the garrison I was nervous. In his presence I was tongue-tied and awkward. I was with him when we worked together, and avoided it at another time so as not to irritate it. I was comfortable with the other actors and crew, they were fun, and they succumbed to my charm.

But looking back, I think that in the beginning of the filming Harrison studied the partners in the film. Maybe not to an affair, but not in order not to have an affair. We were in the right place, and begs a little entertainment on the side.

Откровенный дневник принцессы Леи: Как Керри Фишер любила Гаррисона Форда

Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford on the set of Star wars

After the start of filming on Friday night had a party on the occasion of the birthday of George Lucas, who turned 32 years old. The party had done in the hall in the Studio in Elstree. For the most part gathered crew — gaffers, electricians, drivers and others who every day worked over the still unknown film, filmed there.

I haven’t seen George and tried to look as imposing as he walked to the bar, I added a smile to please the people and that they did not think exactly why I got the role of a fearless Princess.

“Hi! How’s it going? Glad to see you.” Like their name, I thought, looking at the faces that surrounded me every day. My name they knew it was in the cast list.

“Coca-Cola with ice, please. Oh, we’re in England, and no ice. Well, then warm Coca-Cola.”

At this moment appeared in the doorway of Harrison. Wow, he seemed happy to be here. It is still possible, I thought. Maybe tonight he will smile. I waved to him, raising his other hand a glass of Cola to her lips. Harrison raised his hand and started to break through the crowd, constantly increasing in size. Like fungus growing on the booze.

“Look who came, I greeted someone. — No, I already have something to drink. It is considered a drink. I can’t drink. I tried. I’m allergic to alcohol. From it I get stupid, I feel bad, and I quickly lose consciousness.”

Two of the crew started to play with me. “Look who we have here, guys! Our little Princess without her braids!” Get outta my mind the only girl at the party quickly became the main goal of the evening. Let Lei can not stand up. I would very stupid if they played along.

We sang “happy birthday”, after which the garrison spoke with George. I was again surrounded by sad, sweaty men in jeans. They again tried to get me to drink, and finally my desire to please the people prevailed. I asked for Amaretto, the only drink that I tried. It resembled the taste of cough syrup, but it was familiar.

I took the glass that was handed to me a member of the crew. Instead of the Amaretto in it was wine. I frowned.

“I’m sorry,’ he said. — Your drink they have. But it does the same thing and Amaretto, only better.”

My face contorted grimace when I took the first SIP of this swill. Then another and another. I briefly remembered the taste, as I laughed, as did the adults at my mom’s parties in my childhood.

Don’t remember when I realized that the crew was going to joke to kidnap me. A fun plan was to take me to where the film crew took the young Actresses when they wanted to establish that she belongs to them, at least for the moment. Probably nothing serious. Serious was how big they were.

At some point I have a headache.

“You need some air,” said one of the crew.

“”Hey,” said a new voice, American, not an Englishman. — Where are you taking her?”

“Nowhere, buddy, the lady just needs some fresh air.”

“Sorry, but the lady hardly understands what she needs”.

Harrison! What did he say? I don’t know what I need? When did he become an expert?

“Harrison! — I welcomed it. — Where have you been?”

He gave an unexpectedly great performance, saving me from what I didn’t even know. The group pulled to one side, Harrison to the other, and I was trying to focus.

Tug of war over my softened with wine, virtue continued, and I didn’t know how it ends. But I know who’d like to conquer: my partner shooting with a scar on his cheek, with the dialogue in my head and a gun on his belt. Not then, but in the role, but still. After a crazy brawl Harrison threw my virtue with me in the back seat of the official car and a driver shouted: “Go! Let’s go!” We went, pursued by the others.

Somewhere halfway between Elstree and London, I heard the sound of a horn of an approaching car. I pushed Harrison in the shoulder and asked fearfully: “What is it?”

“Damn,’ muttered Harrison, seeing in the back window above my head. Is Peter and mark”.

“Lord,” I started to get up but he stopped me and told me to bring the hair into order.

In this film, I always had my own hair like on the set and off the court. I remained downstairs, trying to style your hair, and then sat slowly. “Just act normal,” said Harrison.

With us overtook a blue car. At the wheel was Peter Cohn, one of the crew, was sitting next to a beautiful actress Koo stark, and in the back seat, drove mark [Hamill]. He waved his hand and smiled. I waved in response.

The fact that Harrison rode in the back seat on the way back to London, not meant, then what must happen something more intelligible. It was probably just a reconnaissance kisses. But if not…

Then we were out in London for dinner with Peter, mark and Koo, whose role in “Star wars” was eventually cut. Mostly I thought about how Ku’s prettier than me, how confident she seemed. Harrison continues is all I have. He too quickly became the center of my deprived core of the world.

About the dinner I don’t remember much, except that I was shy, and was very awkward because drunk. I thought that, since we sit at the same table, it will be possible to look at the garrison, if he would say something. But I’ll wait to say anything, I will have time to grow hair. Right? It turned out there. He talked incessantly. There was talk of a day when we raised earlier is quite common. But by noon we still not called to the set. “I don’t mind waiting,’ began mark. You can always occupy yourself with something”.

“Is that so?— stretched Ford. Doing what? To read the letter or take the zither?” I carefully listened. It all depended on how I enter into the conversation, saving that for me it means nothing.

“I would have paid many hard-earned dollars to see you play the zither” I said shyly, struggling to make a good impression.

Ford looked at me across the table. Narrowed brown eyes, he asked: “How much?”

He purposefully waited for my answer. Ford was not smiling, but not smiling. Under the table I dug my thumb. So, what were we talking about? Why is he looking at me like that?

“How much for what? I asked them sadly. — Something I forgot”. This time it sounded like I’m begging.

They laughed. Harrison did not laugh, but looked like it would, if I could do it differently. Then I remembered: “playing the zither! I’ll pay you for playing on a zither!”

“Now?” asked Harrison.


We all laughed. Maybe now everything will be fine. I’ll go home with Harrison. I knew it wasn’t the best idea. This might not be good ideas, but could not be worst. I mean, no matter how strange and gloomy it may seem, Harrison was not a bad person.

We were standing under the wrong light of a street lamp in front of the restaurant. Harrison lit a cigarette “camel” and looked at me: “I can drop you home on my way”. He took my hand and sat me down in a taxi. We approached more and more, while our faces and eyes are not connected. We went to where it was possible to rehearse a kiss, shown a year and a half in “Empire strikes back”. It was the early days and nights of Power.

It is hard to remember the details of those weekends. But even if I could, what would we have got? Soft porn for fans of hard science fiction? All I remember when he followed me and turned on the light in the hallway, this is what I was going to show him my small apartment, and now our awkward embrace was not in a moving car and without spectators.

A little part of me felt like I won the husband lottery, and I was simultaneously calculated and spend the winnings. I looked at Harrison. He was… God, he was beautiful! No, more than that. He looked like he was ready to lead the attack to capture the hill to win the match to become the leader of the free from the gluten world, and to do that without even breaking a sweat. And how can such a brilliant sample of men can satisfy someone like me? No! Don’t say anything! Because he was happy! Even if not for long. This was more than enough.

Откровенный дневник принцессы Леи: Как Керри Фишер любила Гаррисона Форда

Carrie Fisher’s mom Debbie Reynolds. 1972

Harrison fell asleep, and I also tried. I forgave him for what he didn’t love me as much as you would expect, and almost forgave myself for not expecting this. I was breathing with him in unison in the dark, wondering what he dreams, and hoped to Wake up before him. Maybe now it’s easier for me to talk to him, I’m not so afraid of it like on the set, and in addition to them.

I can’t say exactly what I want from Harrison. I can charm anyone but him. Instead, I wrote in the diary that led to the shooting. The reasons were two. First, I always kept a diary since I was 12 years old. Secondly, I could not speak with Harrison. I couldn’t talk to him about everything, but especially the “about us”. And since our relationship was secret, I could not get anyone to trust.

Some things I still consider personal. Incredible, huh? But sex is personal. So I’m not going to share what happened between me and Harrison on that fateful Friday night in may 1976 and in the subsequent Friday in the deaf hours of the night.

Don’t know how I lived for the next five days of shooting after the first weekend. These five days were interminable, and we behaved with each other as if the previous output was not.

Throughout the week I unsuccessfully was expecting some allusion to the fact that a) we were together (or I was hallucinating?), b) and if so, if we’ll be together again, in any form, from yet another wordless weekend before marriage (first to bear the fullness of time, after the obligatory and easy divorce). I think that in the priority list of Harrison I was approximately a 15-e a place, whereas it is my standing on the ground.

But we spent another weekend together. We met again, coming in different ways. We met in the pub “the North star” in St John’s wood, between Elstree and Central London. I carefully thought out what will and will not talk that night. I’m quiet and reserved, I will ask thoughtful questions and listen to his answers. He’ll be wondering where I was before in his life.

But it so happened that Harrison began to drink, and at some point I said, “I Want, I will simulate you?”

Harrison did not go, he nursed, more like John Wayne in slow motion, it seemed that he extreme distaste refers to walking. To show this, I momentarily disappeared from view, then turned back, pacing as he moved, being ready for any new trouble. I’ve become disappointed by Lord Ford, master of all that he experienced.

I just looked at Harrison to check out what made an impression, as he was too busy showing off indifference and intolerance to the environment. Finally, out of the corner of my eye I looked at him and saw that he was laughing the quiet, strong laugh that demonstrates admiration. Even now, 40 years later, I still think it was one of the best moments in my life.

If I managed to portray my colleague as a sullen, slovenly shepherd nervov properly, garrison could suddenly (but gently and responsibly) to divorce his wife and marry me (but without sentimentality and with taste). And we could impress everyone, including ourselves, staying together all the time, until one of us would have died. And all this because I dared to parody it for him one night in the pub! Then he had to begin to understand that I’m the only person with whom he would be comfortable. Well, maybe not comfortable, but with whom easier to accept that the world is one big disappointment.

The first time I felt like Harrison. Not because he wanted to sleep with me, and not because there was no one else around. I thought he liked me. I made him laugh. We sat and smiled at each other, waiting for someone to say anything.

“I can do impressions and other, finally I said. For example, Judy garland, but you don’t like it, because it is noisy and will need to dance and paint, as to war.”

He nodded, “And someone down? Like me?”

I thought for a minute, looking for a funny answer. What would you say? Oh, please, let me enjoy him! Then all will be well, or something like that. But there were no words capable of inflicting the blow, which again flashed him a smile. Now again he hates me and thinks is boring and stupid.

“Can you show my boyfriend from College. He was very, very quiet.”

Harrison slightly raised his eyebrows: “Oh?”

“Well, Yes, all my Boyfriends demure”. Not guys! Harrison’s not my boyfriend, and never will they! Fix it!

“Or rather, I don’t know about all guys, — I muttered. Simon was my only boyfriend. And I don’t… I’m not looking…”

Harrison suddenly turned pale: “what do you mean he was your only boyfriend?”

I blinked. What I have done? I frantically searched for words.

“What about all those guys you were talking about?— he asked. Photographer Rob, Fred, Buck…”

Still frowning, I said, “Fred? I didn’t sleep with him, I just knew it. You also know it! Does this mean that you slept with him? I don’t sleep with men whom you know. God, if you thought I slept with everyone who told me must have thought me a whore. Slut! So I guess for you it would be right!”

“What is right?”

“Fuck slut! Your adult, Horny partner shooting… me!”

“Okay, enough!” — he interrupted me.

“Well,” I said bitterly. “But you shut up”.

(This version of what happened. Relaxed version — the less words, the tone lower)

Harrison stared at the floor, blinking. Why is he so upset? I thought men like my inexperience. Or it was only in the Victorian era?

Only decades later I realized that he seemed nervous, when faced with a certain responsibility. If he made the gift he did not want or did not expect.

How should I draw you the picture of this short break in the bad weather. Unfortunately, no, due to memory loss caused by marijuana use. Three-month drinking favorite variety of marijuana Harrison has taken from me everything I had in his company, and instead awarded a monstrous paranoia. All I can squeeze from my memory, so is the discomfort in the intervals between waking and sleep. I was trying to say something other than “do You love me?” and “Why are you with me?” Saying that I used a lot of drugs on the set of “Star wars”, but in fact I only smoked weed on weekends Harrison during the filming of the first movie and since then never used marijuana.

Harrison was done filming first. My last scene was to be shot in two weeks, and I decided to take a break and go to Los Angeles so we could fly together. Don’t know whether it liked it because he didn’t show feelings, but in the diaries I did this is not recorded, but we started talking. I remember he was kind. Kind enough to allow me to close this three-month affair with no regrets. It was in the spirit of the course of things, if you remember those quiet weekend.

Remember I said to him: “I’m a Patsy”.

“No, — he answered. — You think about yourself worse than you really are. You’re a smart sucker.” He added: “you Have the eyes of deer and eggs of the samurai.”

This is the only told me that part would suggest to our intimacy, and that was enough. Not only because it’s supposed to be, but because I can imagine what it took for him to get out of the way in this conversation. We never recognized that something similar happened.

Simon Hattenstone

The Independent